Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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