My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
