I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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