im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
