Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
