I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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