My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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