doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
