take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
