so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
