I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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