help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
