I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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