I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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