I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
