I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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