PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
