I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
