I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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