Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
