no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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