yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
