I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
