I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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