It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
