I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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