Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She is in my trunk
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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