seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
