it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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