omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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