Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
