she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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