I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
