We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
