please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
