Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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