So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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