Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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