my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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