If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
