went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
