dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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