In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
