i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
