its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
