Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
