My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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