New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
