mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize