At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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