70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
