a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize