Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
