life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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