Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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