Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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