WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
