i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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