you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
